I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
