i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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