Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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