This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize