if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
