The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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