I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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