my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
