1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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