so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
