I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
