I puked a lego.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
