I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
