thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
