stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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