3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
