apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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