Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
