i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
