Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
