we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
