addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
