I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
