So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
