Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
