She is in my trunk
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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