She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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