I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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