seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
