Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
