Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize