I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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