I love black thongs
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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