it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
