Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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