I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
