I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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