Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
