I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't turn off my feet"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
