the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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