Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
