Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
