Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
