you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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