You can't special order awesome
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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