I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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