Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
