Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
