So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
