the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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