my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I AM VODKA MAN
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
