life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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