maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
