The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
