I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
