You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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