I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
