mondays should just be called national damage control day
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize